How to make yourself seem like you actually know some shit

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Are you ever standing in a group – they’re talking about politics, and you’re nodding your head while wishing you actually gave a fuck? – Or how about when someone asks you where a certain State/Country/Landmark is and you’ve never even heard of it?  How sad is your little heart when someone asks your opinion on some other boring topic and you have nothing to offer?

If the only time you ever have a decent answer to someone is when the question was “do you know where they sell the cheapest beer around here?” or “what time is Jersey Shore on?” or maybe “how do you spell Mississippi? ( and this one you only know the answer to because your sweet 3rd grade teacher taught you a little song about it)” – then you’ve come to the right place.

Although I must admit I’m smarter than your average stoner – there’s plenty of times when I’m in a conversation that I could swear is in a different language. Don’t fear my friends – I’m here to help make sure not everyone knows how empty your brain is.

Look people in the eye when answering a question, or contributing to a conversation. Don’t be afraid, most people don’t bite.

 When there’s a conversation about a book going on, make up a book and an author, and talk about how he is the new “author they were talking about,” and how his book “blahblah” is going to change the way people view “such and such topic.” I’m telling you – this one works, even though I don’t have to use it much since I am an avid reader, and normally the only one who wants to talk books out of everyone I know.

It’s okay to make things up – being a good story-teller is a great quality in a person, just try to stay away from anything that involves real names and places, that people can actually look up (and trust me, it sounds pathetic but there are PLENTYY of people with nothing better to do than check your facts – they’re most of the time looking to prove you wrong)

When people are talking about the state of the economy – throw in some personal, or made up, story about a friend/relative/fictional character you know who lost their business, and is now living on the streets. You might not be spewing numbers and theories like the rest of the group is, but hey at least you’re relatable. Everyone knows someone who’s lost way too much in the past couple of years.

The point is.. search your brain for something that sounds believable. Sometimes when you think you’re making something up, it’s really just some repressed knowledge your brain’s never had to use. If you get caught while not knowing what you’re talking about, say something along the lines of “just wanted to make sure you were REALLY listening” – then go to the bar and get a drink, find the skankiest dressed people wherever you are – and have a conversation you actually feel comfortable speaking in.

Who am I you ask? Well, I’m not so sure

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Entire post is about me, and probably won’t make you laugh. In other words, it’s just plain BORING – don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This whole blogging thing started for me because my brother told me I should do it. I very recently started to read some amazing blogs; when I learn how to do all this shit I’ll add links to the side of my page. Anyway, the people whose blogs I read seem so out of their minds free. Free is the exact feeling I’m looking for. When i say I want to feel free I don’t mean from any (although there’s not many) responsiblities I have – I mean something more along the lines of “free as a bird” – spread my wings and fly type of feeling (ironically enough I have “free bird” tattooed on my back.) Lately I’ve been feeling more spread my wings and fall.. so you get why I started this.

Not to brag, but I have a great life – my fiance is amazing, my family is so disfunctional that it feels like I live in the best sitcom ever (they also love me a lot, so that’s nice) my friends are some of the most awkward, understanding, and fun people in the world. My job doesn’t suck, and I actually have a job without a college education so that’s pretty amazing in and of itself.

I just can’t help but feel like something’s been missing from my life. I used to be extremely emotional, and  crazy. I felt so many feelings, and cried, and laughed more than you can imagine. For the past few years my life has been so normal – kind of like a straight line, no highs (unless created by my favorite greenery) , no lows. Right now I’d kill for some extremes. I’ve become so predictable it almost makes me sick.

Years ago painting and writing were my two favorite things. They were my outlet for my overwhelming emotions. Since nothing’s made me feel overwhelmed, I’ve stopped painting, and I’ve stopped writing – that is until now.

My blogs called Jillian Mack Attack’s life because that is exactly what I’m trying to do. I want to learn who I am, what makes me tick, and what can make me an even better person (hard to imagine, I know) – I’d like to do all of this before I get married, which leaves me with less than a year to do what most people spend their whole lives doing.

If you have any advice on grabbing life by the balls – give it to me now! I’m impatient. Thanks

Also, if you’re looking for an amazing book that makes you question your values, and who you are PLEASEEEEEE read : Paulo Coelho’s The Zahir

be back soon

you know how when a man cheats it’s ‘never the “other woman’s” fault’ – yeah. fuck that

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My man didn’t cheat. Never has, and I’m pretty sure never will. Okay, so that’s clarified.

Best friend, maid of honor, sister from another mista, my HEART & SOUL – was betrayed and it makes me hurt inside. I wish I could have given her some sort of comforting advice, or a look that says it will all be okay – but it seems as though that’s not needed. She’s already done what “had to done” and is just now letting the feelings flood.

Obviously the guy she’s been seeing is a douchecanoe. When they first started dating (4/5 months ago?) he seemed head over heels (don’t they always?) but then the tables turned.. and from there it’s a big blur of what do you think he means and you don’t think he’s seeing anyone else is he.. well now we know what it meant, and now we know yes – he probably was. Sad, I know. But my partner in crime handled it -well- just that way, criminally – and as silly and immature as it sounds I’m damn proud of her. The girl this suckymancheatfrogger decided to screw – literally – my lady over with is just a plain old DIRTYSTAYOUT (whore in laymans terms) and feels absolutely no shame about the situation. Well, now your face is shamed BUTTERFACE!!!! Yep you got it, drinks were thrown, hair was pulled, and a few punches/slaps/and scratches may have been landed on this girl’s face.

Normally, being the rational female I am – I have always said you can’t blame the other slut when your guy strays. It’s not her fault your chosen partner has no feelings,morals, and anything else that makes him a decent human being. But this time – this girl had it coming. I don’t have many lady friends, but out of all of us, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one she hasn’t crossed by uncrossing her legs for a guy that means something to us, but means nothing more than a few hours of sweaty grunting to her. So as much as I’m all “love not war” this time I’m all “SHOVE THAT WHORE”…

 

Now it’s time to get stoned with my little warrior – and laugh the day away.

By the way, always remember TRUST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. if you’re unsure of if you can trust the man your with when he’s out with his boys/doesn’t answer his phone/says he’s tired.. leave the dirtbag. it will never work. even if he’s not straying, your insecurities in the relationship will put the biggest wall between the two of you and happiness. so just give it up. find your best friend, who you’re attracted to, makes you laugh, and who’s farts you can tolerate and you’ve found the man of your dreams.

 

Don’t worry. she’s not an idiot. she didn’t only flip on the girl, the DIRTBAGSONOFAWHORESMOUTH has gotten it, and there’s definitely more in store for him where that comes from.

how to deal with a loving,warm,CRAZY,hypochondriac mother

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Let me start off by saying I have an awesome mom. Growing up she was head of my girl scout group, let me be a tomboy, always made me laugh, bought me cigarettes when I first started smoking in highschool (i know – ew, but I lovee smoking. DEAL), got me birth control when I first had sex, NEVER judged.. and she’s just all around the coolest person I know.

That being said she’s fucking BAT SHIT crazy. Coolness aside, if you say the wrong thing to her she’ll go from sweet, gentle kitten, to full on lioness- and not like the ones from the Lion King.. it’s some i’ll bite your head off type of shit.

She’s always complaining of a new sickness. Mother dearest was at one point a really fun alcoholic, and now she’s sober and is actually able to feel pain (or make it up?.) She has crazy jealousy issues – when I first got engaged she was all you won’t call “the other woman” Mom will you? WILL YOU???? (cut to knife at my throat)

There’s much more craziness where that comes from – but I won’t bore you with that now..

Time to get to business: HOW TO DEAL WITH PSYCHOPATHIC MOTHERS

Mom says: Mack, your father hasn’t paid my rent is so long. I will NOT get a job, raising you four kids was hell enough. I’m retired.

Respond with: I KNOW mom! You worked so hard while raising us, it was not fun at all. You’re right you should never have to work. Dad’s an asshole!!!!! *do NOT say this with any sarcasm as that will result in all of your clothes cut up on your floor.

Mom says: I’m so bloated. I feel something pressing up against my liver. I’m dying, NO ONE will come to the hospital with me. I’m all alone in this world. NO ONE CARES.

Respond with: Oh holy bejesus! NOOOO!!!!!! You’re not alone. I’m coming right now!!!!!! — leave work, and actually go. If you don’t go that results in… yep you got it!! Food Strike!-because that reallyyyy proves her point.

Mom Says: Who do you love more, me or Mark (wonderful fiance man)

Respond with: No man can ever replace a mother. You mom! (this one really is true – no lies there)

Mom says: I know when I was an alcoholic shit was hard for you. I don’t really remember much, can you tell me some of the horrible shit I did?

Respond with: You know, that time of my life is like a black hole. I refuse to go back there. Everything’s so much better now! (cough cough, really though, is it?)

DO NOT Respond with: Well at my pre prom you flashed yo tittays at everyone, and said “now tell my ex I need a lift, he’s standing right over there with that BITCH” ..

because all that will get you is a “well it’s true isn’t it? and she is a bitch!! You love them more than me. My world is ending”

basically the point is – when you see that gleam in the eyes of the woman who pushed you out her hoooha, DO NOT – i reapeat DO NOT cower, and tell her the answers you think she really wants. DEFLECT DEFLECT DEFLECT. anything that makes her seem like mother theresa is normally a step in the right direction.

Good afternoon, may I please speak with… CLICK

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Why, hello there!

Today was dreadful. I had to do the most hated thing about my job. I had to call people and try to COLLECT MONEY!!!

Don’t get me wrong, my job is normally pretty awesome, just today my boss and I watched the honey badger video which I must say is a pretty cool thing to watch at work, and have it be totally okay. On a different note, I get collection calls ALL the time; on my cell phone, & house phone.. and they’re not only 800 numbers anymore, they’re numbers that start with my own area code, that I’m so tempted to answer.. but I don’t. No longer will I answer any number not stored in my phone for fear of being yelled at for not paying ANY of my bills when I do.

So how is a girl like me supposed to call people and tell them they owe my company money? She doesn’t! HA! I tell the bossman that I called, left a message with each of the nasty secretaries, and that’s that. NORMALLY. but today was different… the company i work for is broke (and tomorrow’s payday, so I DO care about whats is in the account), and I started to feel a little bit guilty for neglecting my collection duties. So I tried, and tried to call people and get money. But everyone’s scraping the barrel of their coin jars broke, and they all said no, and that was an even worse feeling than the guilt i felt for not calling… because it really is sad when you call a business that SHOULD (operative word) be making lots and lots of money, but can’t pay $43.44 for services rendered. It’s beyond sad, but it’s life as we know and live it these days.

One good lesson learned today: I’m not the only delinquent fuck up that doesn’t pay her bills!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO

 

SIDE NOTE::  I SET A DATE FOR MY WEDDING!!!! but don’t worry non-existent readers.. this will not turn into a bridezilla blog – if I do blog about my future nuptials at all I promise it will be funny and worth while

FIRST BLOG POST EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Good morning world! If you couldn’t tell by my title, this is my first blog post awesome stuff written by me publicly ever. YES EVER. It’s kind of intimidating knowing that anyone anywhere can read my  inner most thoughts, but also kind of thrilling, and I like thrills.. so here we go!

 

My name’s Jillian, and I’ve been extremely bored with life. Sooo I figured, what better (free) way to deter boredom than to write endlessly about myself? There isn’t one! I am an engaged, extremely intelligent, 23-year-old female who enjoys almost everything about life. That being said, although I enjoy most things, I am extremely lazy, and hardly ever go do ANYTHING worth doing. I smoke pot, watch endless amounts of T.V., and cuddle my gorgeous (though almost unbearably stinky) american bulldog, named Brooklyn (by one of my 4 brothers, who at the time we got her had an obsession with all things celebrity baby related, hence Brooklyn, after David Beckham’s baby boy? girl?).

 

Now that you know a little bit about me, I am going to go brainstorm some things actually worth writing/reading. I’ll be back when inspiration strikes, or I decide that nothing is worth reading/writing, and will just put some more useless stuff out there in interent world (by the way, I’m at work right now, and actually have a lot of work to do, but somehow I’m bored? YEAH i’m employee of the year.)